I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.