airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Phonetics
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.