I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.