Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island