*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.