Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Just say no
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
peak technology
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul