[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
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America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Happy birthday to all the women
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!