My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.