Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Can Happiness buy money?
Big Sex has us all fooled
no their not
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.