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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building