I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.