Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
You Might Also Like
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.