i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
who did the taste test?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I support this random dude and all his protests
Leonardo DiCaprisun