forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
everyone’s a critic
But is it really??
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.