Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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At least my masseuse has my back.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already