The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
You Might Also Like
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her