Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you