“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.