i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
yeah no that’s fair
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.