A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Everyone’s family
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.