If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?