Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
This line from Airplane.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.