Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
What about a To-Don’t List?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine