Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over