Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time