The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
You Might Also Like
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
they really do be looking like this
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I am also baked goods
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I really would love to see two mimes arguing