This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.