What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Gods work.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
True?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.