My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
my dad has had enough
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
just left a huge legacy in there
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.