Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals