I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Flock of bats
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’d love this…lol
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.