If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless