*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.