*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.