Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
You Might Also Like
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Admin smashed it 😂
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.