Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Made something I’m not proud of
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.