Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
me as a parent
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick