I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Finally, an explanation.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.