The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Skills
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much