You Might Also Like
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
the Monday after daylight savings
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed