[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
inventing words: clothing
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
do what now??
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.