FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
San Francisco has too many rules
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.