honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I like crazy people until they notice me
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
sliding into dms like