Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
not for long
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?