Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.