Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.