I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.