[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
HERE’S MARKY
The news is so predictable nowadays
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
o shit
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad