Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon