Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
You Might Also Like
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
How did we not see this back then?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”